We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two
eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ my wife said. ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’
the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked
incredulously.
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Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv.”
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel.”
Her mother says,
“You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion,
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away…
Over 45 cents?”
Now that’s a Jewish mother!!!
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ” Clitaurus “. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it — let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month. Plus it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
The recession has hit everybody really hard…
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Flying on Obama’s private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, ‘You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, ‘I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.
Michelle added, ‘That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, “Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.’
If you’re one of those 256 million, pass this on!
I’ve just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’
I told him ‘I wish I had your will power.’
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said ‘don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually. ‘
I walked past an a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said ‘Nope, you’re still black’.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m going to take that.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, for biscuits in the bread aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn’t the same without him.
A new woman joined their club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”